


So What Now?

by freedomfightsback



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Commitment Arc, Multi, Platonic Relationships, Post-Canon, Post-Series, Road Trips, Shenanigans, some mentions of sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:19:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12908955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freedomfightsback/pseuds/freedomfightsback
Summary: After the cult that the Do Good Fellowship turned out to be, Remy, Nadiya and Kardala figure out the next steps in their lives together. A lot of those steps turn out to involve running from the government, possibly starting to like each other, and eating sandwiches.





	1. Let's Get This Party Started

**Author's Note:**

> So this takes place directly post adventure. Mary is fine we'll see her next chapter, and since there's a king of America I took the creative liberty of putting a non orange president in office. Make sure to Kudo and enjoy. Thanks!

"So, before we make our run from the government I think we should stop by Walmart." Remy confessed. There was a half decent map scribbled on a McDonald's napkin on the table in front of him. It had been all the available writing surface at their current place. Which was McDonalds. It was currently eleven P.M, they were in Washington D.C, and Kardala was on her third Big Mac. Nadiya and the god on one side of the booth and Remy on the other.

"Absolutely not," Nadiya interrupted, "We need to put as much distance between here and us as possible, then we can stop at the gross bargain store."

The reasons for the pre discussed fleeing from D.C had to do with the events following their dumping of the former king of America and his wife. The president of the United States was a normal president. Some people liked her some didn't, but she hadn't been protested when elected or almost started a nuclear apocalypse or anything ridiculous like that so she was okay in the trio's books. Or at least Nadiya and Remy's. Kardala declared her a "non fake ruler who I will not trick right now". The visit had been going well enough at the time.

The almighty Space Cadet was in the closest intensive care unit after coughing up enough blood to make Remy queasy and Nadiya need a new lab coat. They were in some government office or another and the president was debriefing them (Remy was so excited he felt like an action hero) on the damage to America and what to do next.

"So while no one was seriously injured the public and the government are worried about more events like this in the future," she admitted and Kardala leaned forward on the table.

"Do not worry, not fake ruler, I, Kardala, and my gatekeepers here, have delivered unto you King Dick, and his fire eyed devil mistress." She turned to Nadiya. "Demon, tell this not fake leader the tale of you punching the firey eyed one." Remy giggled from the other side of the table.

"It was pretty cool I was there. Nadiya can like, Kirby punch people."

"Its not a Kirby punch it's shape shifting and I punched her twice. Two times. Both were great."

The president's eye twitched as she listened to the people who saved America's bickering.

"Well while that's all fine and good we want you stay here so our people can run some tests."

You could've heard a pin drop.

Remy looked a little pale suddenly. "Ohhh shit so we're area fifty one projects now okay that's not great--"

"Give me all your tests Kardala will pass them ALL--"

"Mmmmmm fuck that?"

So one awesome chase scene, a stolen and partially wrecked car (Kardala did not inherit Irene's driving ability), and several miles later, here they sat in the glow of the Golden Arches.

"I just feel like all these bloodstained clothes and the like are attracting attention," Remy whispered, eyeing the cashier. They were staring but that was probably because of Kardala's presence and initial, violent demand for Stromboli. The god that was steadily working through her pile of sandwiches paused in her quest for a moment to gesture to Remy with her half burger.

"A true warrior wears the spoils of their battle on themselves proudly, do not shy away from the blood Little Man, it is your trophy of glory."

Nadiya muttered into her black coffee bitterly. "I wanted to go to Denny's, no one asks about blood at Denny's but no we had to go to Ronald McDonald's Clown House." Remy sighed. "Okay I guess we can stop somewhere for clothes later-- and the next place we eat Nadiya can pick."

Nadiya flattened her McNugget box and nodded. "Your spinelessness is much appreciated Jump Boy." She stood up, threw away her garbage and flicked a patch of gore off her shoulder like the most dignified executioner alive.

"Let's get this circus on the road."


	2. On the Road Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness the feedback has been so good I had to get this to you guys ASAP. Thanks so much for the support!!! Nadiya' blood is ninety percent coffee and I don't know if Buckee's are everywhere but in this world they are.

The next few hours of the road trip were filled with arguments about what song to play on the radio and Remy pointing out cows whenever he saw them in fields. It was now night, and he sat in the passenger seat of their stolen, heavily wrecked but still driveable Mini Cooper. The illumination from the Buckee's sign gave everything a not really real vibe.

Nadiya had gone in with Kardala for some "coffee before I kill everyone in this car with my sheer will alone". Kardala had wanted to stretch her legs after being confined to the backseat for so many hours. Remy had no idea what time it was and was honestly ready for a little (super) power nap when his phone chimed.

Five hours ago: R: hi Mary text me if you get this we're on the run from the government for a lil bit (and they're not crazy ALL THE TIME!!!! THEY BUILD SCHOOLS!!!) anyway I didn't know if the connection from Goliath was still there so aadddscndsck

R: sorry Kardala tried to drive our new car (we'll leave a note) anyway text me back soon if you're not dead byeeee

Now: M: You idiot

R: for letting Kardala drive or leaving you? Also sorry we left :(

M: ALL  
M: ALL OF THE ABOVE YOU FROG LEGGED JACKASS

R: :\

M: anyway I'm FINE all of government runs on technology now so I just walked out the door after they patched me up I'm gonna get more help soon

R: that's good!!!! I'm surprised this connection is still up

M: it's basically wired into my brain  
M: I'm texting you from an ATM right now  
M: also withdrawing a lot of free money from said ATM

R: >:V

M: it's the taxpayer's money anyway the government has no right to this

R: thats not how ATMs work Mary

M: go cry to your crazy scary girlfriends

R: do you mean they're really scary or both crazy and scary  
R: and while I agree with every one of those suggestions I should tell you they're not my girlfriends

M: that's probably true they're both out of your league

R: >>>>:V

M: anyway thanks for checking up on me but I'll be fine  
M: Im gonna do my own thing for a while  
M: also don't contact me again big brother might be watching

And with that, Remy's phone delivered a small electric shock and closed out of his message app. He pouted and sucked on the wounded digit while checking for any damage to the phone's contents. A few minutes later he literally hit the ceiling of the car when Nadiya opened the driver's door without warning.

"Hey time to go Kardala decided to fight the Buckee's statue," she explained while belting herself in. There was a thud and Remy turned around to see the dead cold eyes of Buckee the beaver staring back at him. Kardala patted the concrete head as she too got in the car.

"This is a worthy trophy from a hard fought battle," she declared, then buckled it in next to herself. "The guardian of this treat shack was no match for the might of Kardala."

"Mary is fine," he started, trying so desperately to ignore the crazy and probably illegal situation going on behind him. Nadiya took a long sip of her coffee and raised an eyebrow at him.

"And?"

"So she's not dead? I don't know I'm tired," he sighed, slumping in his seat and rubbing his head. Super reflexes were gonna take getting used to. Nadiya crumpled her cup with too much malice to be accidental and stuffed it in the side compartment.

"Well too bad, I didn't get you a coffee," she replied and started the car. She had insisted on driving the whole way there and Remy was starting to be thankful for it, as he had no caffeine and no brain power.

"You're mean." He insisted at her and Kardala hummed from the backseat.

"To be fair she is a demon little man, you cannot expect decency out of her and her dark, magic elixir-"

"Its coffee-"

"And the ungodly energies it gives her-"

"DO NOT PRETEND TO NOT KNOW WHAT COFFEE IS,"

"I mean she didn't know who Jesus was-"

"PUT A CORK IN IT REMBRANDT"

"What is he putting a cork in?"

"Okay maybe don't call me the worst name in the universe okay thanks,"

"Would you rather I call you the American Ninja?"

".....oH THAT IS IT-"

Thirty minutes later they drove their now twice wrecked car out of the ditch and back onto the road in silence. Remy fiddled with the radio in deep, sleep deprived thought.

"Hey...," He turned to look at Nadiya. "Do you guys think you're out of my league?"

Nadiya started laughing so hard she almost crashed the car again.


	3. Hey Brother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dudes the feedback has been incredible. Then again the amount of content for these three guys is super small so I guess you're stuck with me but I wouldn't have it any other way!!!! I was sad during the arc we never got to meet Remy's family so I take the hammer and FIX THE CANON. Enjoy!

Mike was Remy’s favorite brother. He also happened to be his only brother but beggars can’t be choosers. Not that he was begging of course, Mike was focused, hard working, and loyal to a fault. He also happened to be the more grounded one, meaning he would absolutely not let the seven foot tall lightning lady into his house.

“Remy,” he began, and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Its been a long week. First the gym’s air conditioning stops working because of fucking RACCOONS, then my phone starts broadcasting some kind of super hack about kings and shit WHICH YOU ARE IN, then you turn up a week later with THESE TWO WHO ARE THESE TWO—“ he frantically gestured to the two women leaning on car. It had finally given up a few blocks from Mike’ house and Kardala had pushed it the rest of the way there.

“I,” The god began, “am Kardala, protector of the North—“

“I’m Nadiya Jones.”

“— slayer of the dreaded Buck-ee and captor King Dick,”

Remy tentatively put a hand on his brother’s shoulder.

“She didn’t ACTUALLY slay anyone it was a statue—“

“A GUARDIAN STATUE—“

Mike turned to Remy and put a finger in his face.

“I don’t CARE I about the statue I want to know where you WERE and what the HELL is going on,” he hissed. Remy looked up at him with big eyes and the anger melted into brotherly concern.

“Remy are you in trouble? Is- is this some kind of sex cult and you’re religously married to these two or something—“

Remy threw his hands up.

“WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK WE’RE MARRIED?” Nadiya shrugged, picking some dried blood from her sleeve.

“Don’t worry the cult we were in didn’t involve sex.”

That surprisingly wasn’t helpful to their situation. It was about seven in the afternoon, and the sun was setting over the small chunk of suburbia that Mike called home. Thank god it was later or else the neighborhood might form a crowd to see the freak show going on in the Rembrandt front lawn.

Remy grabbed his brother’s shoulders. Mike was taller than him by a full head, and had thick glasses. The man could see his own bedraggled reflection in them. He was wearing a Buckee’s T shirt, (After the blood started to smell like a rotting steak Remy had to ditch everything but the vest) a complete and total mess.

“I promise Mike I will explain everything once we sit down and talk about it,” he pleaded and Mike took a deep breath.

“Okay. We can sit down and talk but those two—“

Nadiya stood a little straighter and leveled a steady glare at him.

“We’re his teammates,”

“You can say friends—“

“Teammates. We will help explain things.”

Kardala clapped her hands together.

“Yes, do not fear, kin of little man, Kardala will bring you no harm, you pose no challenge.”

Mike visibly gulped a little.

“Maybe, maybe you can stay in the car,” he suggested quietly and Kardala shook her head sadly.

“Alas I cannot our trusty metal chariot has finally passed,” she knelt and patted the side of the car sadly. Mike edged back towards the door.

“Okay cool come in I guess then,”

Nadiya And Remy followed while Kardala stayed by the side for a moment longer, pondering it.

“Do you believe if I hit it with lightning it would live once mo—“

“NO,”

***

Mike sat back at the kitchen table and started at the ceiling for a little bit. Remy anxiously searched his pockets for a fidget toy. He had loaded the vest up with them at first opportunity. Nadiya was sipping a mug of tea. Remy didn’t know where she got that since his brother didn’t keep tea in the house but maybe he wasn’t the only person who loaded his pockets with weird stuff. Kardala was petting the family pug, Rocko who had not stopped barking at them since they entered.

“This small beast shows no fear at Kardala. I both respect and admire this wrinkle dog.”

Mike had seemed to recover from the full weight of the information they had dumped on him. “That’s... that’s a whole heckin lot my guy,” he muttered quietly. He cursed less now that he had a kid.

Nicky was over at his mom’s this weekend thank god, Remy wouldn’t know what to do if he had been here to see this train wreck.

“So,” Mike caught his wandering attention, “You need to stay here? While hiding from the government.” Remy found a little toy that when you squeeze it it’s eyes bug out.

“Yes.”

“Oh.... okay but Remy you need to fix this shit.”

“I know.”

“Like ASAP. I don’t want you here when Nicky gets home," Remy sighed and Nadiya raised an eyebrow.

“Who’s Nicky?”

“My kid,” Mike explained, running a hand through his hair. It was getting grey. “He’s at his mom’s this weekend.”

Nadiya hummed. “Hm. Gross.”

Mike bristled with a temper Remy hadn’t inherited.

“The divorce was-“ Nadiya waved her hand. “No no I meant the kid. Kids are gross,” she explained and Remy gaped at her.

“How can you be so mean?”

“It’s my opinion.”

“It’s a BAD ONE,” Kardala returned Rocko to the floor to weigh in.

“Still you expect decency of the demon Little Man,” She chastised. Mike got a little pale.

“You’re not... actually a demon right?” Nadiya rolled her eyes and got up.

“I’m going to bed. Also calling dibs on whatever bed is available,” and with that she walked off. Kardala scoffed.

“The couch shall serve as a worthy place for Kardala to sleep, near the door to challenge any intruders to Little Man’s Brother’s house,” she stood up with the pug under one arm again. “Come Rocko,” And she was gone too.

Remy and Mike were left at the breakfast table. Mike coughed a little awkwardly.

“So does the scary science one know the only other adult bed in the house is your’s?” Remy sighed.

“Yeah but she called dibs on it,”

“Remy. It’s YOUR bed,”

“But she’s a lady-“

“GO GET YOUR BED BACK,”

“Okay,”

“AND BE MORE ASSERTIVE,”

“Okay."


	4. Good Mornin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys WE FINALLY GET TO SEE IRENE!!! MY GAL!!! And thank you for all the sweet compliments you're the reason I'm here <3

The argument over dibs lasted longer than it should with someone of Nadiya’s intelligence.

“I called dibs, the bed is mine, plus I’m your guest so it’s only fair,”

“It’s MY bed I own it, that’s like forever dibs always,”

“I’m already in the bathroom I’m pretty much already settled in,” Nadiya pointed out, undoing her braid deftly.

Remy flopped back onto his bed with a huff. “Well I’m settled in too how about that? I deserve some respect Nadiya I’m not just your ‘jump boy’—“

Nadiya walked back into the room with a hand on her hip.

“Of course, you’re the model of adulthood, throwing a fit in your frog pajama bottoms.” Remy looked down at his legs with offense.

“These were a gift and they’re boxers and they’re awesome—“

“That’s your opinion,” Nadiya ceded as she sat down on the edge of the bed to take off her socks. Remy glared at the ceiling for a bit until the metaphorical lightbulb appeared above his head. He propped himself up on his elbows.

“So I guess we’re sharing the bed then, I should really warn you—“ he stretched his arms out invitingly, “I’m a cuddler.”

Nadiya slept on the floor.  
***  
Remy had made two cartons of eggs for the three of them before Mike woke up. “What are you doing?”

Nadiya tried to pretend like she hadn’t just tried to eat a piece of bacon in one bite and coughed. Kardala did not.

“FEASTING,” she replied and went back to work on the mountain of toast Nadiya had helped make (She just took it out of the toaster and honestly even then she almost burned it). Mike wiped the sleep from his eyes with growing alarm.

“How much food did you guys make?”

“Not enough,” Remy replied around a mouthful of egg he has taken directly from the pan which was BURNING HIM why did he do that—

Nadiya’s eye twitched as she restrained herself from eating and Remy ran to the sink. “Well um, the process we underwent had some.. side effects concerning how we metabolize food,”

Kardala burped and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. “Yes, the powers of gods- and these two- require great amounts of meat.”

“I promise I’ll buy new food today,” Remy swore after a gulp of water. Mike just nodded tiredly and moved back to the bathroom to get ready.

Kardala scratched her chin in thought. “Little man, why do we come to your brother’s house for shelter, and not your own, most likely tiny home?”

Nadiya was so shocked by Kardala asking a question the cup of coffee she was pouring started to overflow. Remy stared for a second then scratched the back of his neck nervously.

“Uh well this house was kind of meant to be taken care of by two people, so I moved in to help with rent when Mike’s wife left, and before I was recruited by the Do Good Nutjobs so uh—“ he returned his attention to the now burning eggs. “Yeah I help with this and the gym since-“

“You failed at your main skill and brought the gym you were going to support down with you?” Nadiya finished for him and took a sip of coffee. Remy shot her a glare and dumped the ruined eggs in the trash.

“Yeah that.” Kardala leaned in conspiratorially.

“I know not of this failure, tell me, at what did our agile comrade fail?”

“Check Top Ten American Ninja Fail Wipeouts on YouTube,” Remy muttered miserably, finally stuffing toast in his face.  
Kardala frowned. “I do not understand. Kardala has tubed nothing.”

“Just pass me the jam.”  
***  
The day, for lack of a better word, had been designated an “off day”. Remy had to fix stuff at the gym, Nadiya had “my own loose ends to tie up, what’s it to you Rembrandt?”, and well... Kardala didn’t have anything. Irene did.

So once Nadiya called an Uber to take her wherever, and Kardala shrunk back to the known and loved woman from H.R Remy sat down and explained everything. Again.

“I killed Buckee the beaver?” She asked quietly and Remy scrambled to fix it.

“No no YOU didn’t Kardala did—“

“WHY?”

“I don’t know— something about guarding the chips?”

Irene took a deep breath and clasped her shaking hands together.

“Okay. Well. Of all the alter egos that’s not the best.”

Remy scooted a little closer to her. They were sitting on the front porch of the house (Mike had left for work Remy didn’t want to explain anything else and probably couldn’t at this point).

“I mean she isn’t BAD she’s like.... chaotic good.” Irene rubbed her temples.

“I don’t want to be chaotic ANYTHING, they said after the process I would still be ME—“ Remy reached for her shoulder carefully but she shied away.

“I’m really sorry Irene.” She took a shuddering breath and she wiped her eyes. Remy decided not to mention that.

“Okay. Okay I get you need her if the government wants to make us into government super soldiers and take over the world—“ Remy got pale.

“Oh jeez I didn’t even think about that one fuck,” She recaptured his attention with a finger in his face.

"But listen to me Remy, we’re gonna set some fudgin ground rules.”


	5. Let's Talk About Sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my guys I'm thinking of writing some more stuff (possibly for the balance arc) so that's why I was MIA yesterday. Enjoy the chapter!

"Here,” Remy said grandly, laying the sticky note onto the table ceremoniously. “Are the Commandments Of Irene.” Nadiya squinted at the note.

“And this wasn’t worthy of full size paper because?”

“We don’t have printer paper.” Nadiya looked personally offended.

“What kind of household doesn’t have notebook paper lying around?” She whispered, and Kardala leaned forward.

“You two seem misunderstand which one of us is a GOD,” she tumbled and slammed a fist down on the table.

“I REFUSE TO OBEY THE IRENE PRISON’S COMMANDMENTS.”

“You don’t even know what they are yet,” Remy pointed out and pulled the sticky note back towards himself.

“They are undoubtedly stupid, and probably attempt to limit the newfound freedom of Kardala.” Nadiya rubbed her temples.

“I can’t believe codes of office conduct followed me from the Do Good Fellowship,” she muttered.

“Rule one,” Remy began, “Do not kill anyone.”

“As I said that is a very limiting rule,” Kardala insisted, munching through the bowl of chips Remy had placed on the table earlier in case of this exact response.

“Rule number two, Irene wants to be debriefed daily on what happened while Kardala was in charge.” The god stood up from the table abruptly and put a finger into Remy’s face.

“I absolutely refuse,”

“Well I’m getting some major de ja vu,” he muttered and very carefully pointed her finger away. “Irene has a right to know what’s going on, and has a say in decisions.” 

Kardala stamped her foot.

“But Irene will not make the decisions, I will, Irene is not here, I am.”

Nadiya took a long suffering sigh and weighed in.

“Look I like Irene as much as the next person—“

“I thought she was kind of cool,” Remy admitted and Nadiya carried on.

“But she has... she is... um,” Kardala and Remy stared at her and she switched tactics.

“Think of it as a break, where Irene has to do the boring stuff,” Kardala tilted her head. “And Kardala gets to fight and...eat meat.”

Remy realized Nadiya’s strategy and hopped on board.

“Yeah yeah, you don’t want to have to like... make coffee or do menial stuff— that’s below a god don’t you think?”

Kardala hummed in deep thought, then raised her hand.

“Yes, I believe Irene may maintain our body when I do not require it.”

Nadiya nodded. “What a great great idea I’m so happy you thought it up.” Kardala slammed her fist against the table again, almost sending Remy to the ceiling.

“YES, THIS IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA,” she sat up and walked out of the kitchen.

“I now must inform Rocko, the excellent wrinkle dog, that Kardala will leave him for short periods.” She became somber very quickly. “He will no doubt be devastated.”

Remy and Nadiya nodded and she left. Remy deflated like he was holding all his stress inside like helium.

“Well that went better than I could’ve hoped,” he sighed and Nadiya got up to raid the fridge.

“Yes now the only problems left are housing, our criminal status, finding our next useful task—“ Remy gave her a sad look.

“Well jeez Debby Downer what’s the attitude for?”

Nadiya had stacked several packages of food in her arms.

“Just our situation in general.” Remy blew a raspberry at her and snatched a bag of baby carrots from her hoard when she sat down at the table.

“I didn’t even get to go all the way down the list,” he contemplated.

Nadiya seemed intent on peeling a clementine with fingers sharpened into knives. Remy felt a little threatened if he was being honest.

“What were the other rules?” Remy checked the sticky note and laughed nervously.

“It’s uhh, well, um—“

Nadiya fixed him with a look.

“Don’t have sex with anyone,” he blurted and Nadiya’s scoffed.

“Who wants to have sex with a thunder god?” Remy got a far off and haunted look in his eyes.

“I’ve had to clean people’s hard drives Nadiya I’m seen some shit.”

Nadiya’s lips twitched up in an almost smile.

“Talk about some static shock.” Remy stared at her.

“You know. If Kardala— never mind.” Remy jumped to salvage it.

“NO no that was funny,” he smiled around his baby carrot. “She’s a thunder god so there’s gonna be some big boom chicka boom.”

Nadiya laughed and Remy beamed. Nadiya got a look and split the little orange open.

“You could call it a religious experience.”

Remy wheezed so hard he has to take a moment to collect himself.

“Talk about body worship,”

Nadiya had a surprisingly hilarious laugh. They cackled together as Remy’s phone started to ring. He blinked back tears and wheezed as he answered.

“H— hey this is Remy spea—“

“Remy get down to the gym now.” Remy stopped laughing.

“Mike? Is- what’s wrong?”

“There’s a guy here with a gun nOW HURRY REMY HUR—“ Remy sprung to his feet and Nadiya had cocked her head curiously.

“MIKE? MIKE WHATS GOING ON?”

The line was dead.


	6. Y.M.C.A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was a little longer than the others. Also this fic is gonna end up a little longer than I thought now that we have an actual plot praise Jesus and his terrifying bible. Also, Nadiya is smart enough to know how to Hotwire a car she can use SCIENCE! Kudos and comments are my life force enjoy the chapter.

Here was the score. Remy two, cars zero. He didn't MEAN to wreck it but honestly he couldn't care or worry at the moment. He ran to the front doors of the gym, his gym the gym he helped build, while behind him Nadiya shouted something and Kardala was trying to squeeze her way out of the convertible. 

He didn't have time for Nadiya to tell him how stupid he was. At this point he KNEW. Whad he been thinking? That his family wouldn't be in danger after all the shit he pulled? He shouldn't have let Mike leave the house- shouldn't have joined a cult- shouldn't have beefed it on national T.V-. By the time he actually got through the gym's entrance he was a ball of kinetic energy. He burst through the doors and skidded to a halt in the lobby.

The gym itself wasn't huge, they weren't Lifetime Fitness or anything, but it had good ceiling height. The main difference from it and a normal gym was the equipment. Mini obstacle courses designed to prepare you for the real thing were scattered and interlaced along the floor. Remy realized was that the place had been deserted. The front desk was empty, a chair tipped over. One of the ropes to a jungle gym was still swinging. All the lights were on.

He lowered himself and made a flying leap across the gym, grabbing onto one of the hanging ropes for a better view.

Nadiya and Kardala burst into the front, Kardala still attempting to wrench a car door off her arm like a tangled sleeve. Nadiya had one arm formed into a blade (Remy thought she really shouldn't be running with blades) and was glaring at his position from the ceiling.

"Wait for us next time Rembrandt this could have been a--" she was interrupted by the colorful dart suddenly sprouting from her chest. She stared at it with shock for a moment before declaring, "Oh fuck," and falling to her knees.

Remy turned to the other side of the room. There, standing in the entrance to the locker room, was a figure in full body armor. Some kind of motorcycle helmet obscured his face and his gun was turning from Nadiya to Kardala. Remy moved without thinking.

"WHERE'S MY BROTHER YOU SHIT STICK," he screeched and tackled the man so hard they went flying through the doors into the back room.

Kardala picked Nadiya up by the middle, and ran after them.

"Come demon, we must not let Jump Boy have all the glory in killing the shit stick," Nadiya groaned and yanked the dart out of her chest, inspecting it. It wasn't very long and had a fluffy orange end.

"Well shit," she observed. "I believe I just got... trank... tranquil... I got sleep shot." Kardala pushed open the doors to the back and shrugged.

"It is not even a big shot, you will be fine, demons are very good at processing poison," she reasoned, and set her on the floor unceremoniously. The locker room was becoming a big mess very quickly.

Remy and the stranger were duking it out on the ground, and it didn't look like either of them were winning. Remy punched his opponent in the head, caving in part of his helmet, while the man twisted and grabbed his discarded gun, bringing it back like a bat and cracking Remy across the face. Remy fell on his back in a daze. The dart gun was leveled at his chest until the man was abruptly lifted off the ground with a shout of protest.

Kardala, with the back of his vest in one hand, used the other to wrench the gun away and toss it towards Nadiya. "To attack little man, is to attack Kardala's freedom, and Kardala does not appreciate that," she rumbled. The man tried to lash out but was held a little too far away to do anything.

Nadiya started to crawl across the floor weakly. Remy sat up, shook his spinning head and took in her condition for the first time. "Oh jeez Nadiya," he moved to meet her halfway as she collapsed and he pulled her up to inspect her.

"Rembrant," she wheezed, and he hastily checked her heartbeat (Not that he was a doctor he just wanted to be helpful). "It's okay Nadiya I'm here, I'm right here," her hand reached out and patted his arm in what he realized was supposed to be a slap.

"I'm not dying you idiot I need you to drive to me to one of my labs when I pass out I need to be on a sugar drip," she said all in one breath. Remy blinked.

"Oh oh okay well I've gotta find my brother and deal with that guy," he looked over to where Kardala was scolding her captive, and Nadiya attempted to hit him again, weaker this time.

"I will starve if I'm out for more than ten hours and you... have... concussion..." she mumbled, head tipping back, finally unconscious. Remy touched the side of his head and yeah there was blood there ow that hurt. "Okay sleep starvation doesn't sound good yeah," he stood and attempted to lift her up. It wasn't really a problem of strength, more one of 'Nadiya is a head taller so she's too long to pick up properly also I have a concussion that hurts like a mother fudger'.

Kardala, he called weakly, and she turned to see the mess Remy was in. "Kardala knock him out you have to carry Nadiya please," his legs were trembling and he really needed to find Mike. Kardala grinned.

"Look how, once more, the demon requires her god's assistance," she crowed, then slammed the guy she was holding into the lockers with enough force to dent them. He went limp as a rag doll and Kardala tossed him over her shoulder in a fireman's carry.  
"I have enough power to carry a demon, and human, do not worry little man," Remy handed off Nadiya then immediately ran deeper into the gym. Kardala followed at a leisurely pace.

"MIKE? MIKE ARE YOU IN HERE-" Remy crashed against the door of Mike's office and banged on it frantically. It peeked open at first, then was thrown open by Mike, unharmed but frazzled looking. He was quickly engulfed in a bone crushing hug.

"Oh thank goodness," Remy gasped and Mike choked for air.

"He came in-- everyone ran- locked myself in office- can't- breathe-" Remy released him and he coughed. "Who IS that guy?" Mike paused in his coughing. "Is she dead?"

Kardala lifted a limp Nadiya up a little higher. "No, our demon is stubborn and strong willed, she will surely live to need Kardala another day," the god promised. She adjusted the mystery man in her other arm. "This one however is unknown to Kardala."

Remy marched over and pulled the helmet off of his attacker.

"Aha! It is revealed," Kardala boomed with delight. "A total stranger!"


	7. Ain't No Rest For the Wicked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for the long wait guys, this chapter gave me some trouble. (Honestly I just wanted to write loopy Nadiya) Enjoy, kudo and comment my dudes.

Remy, had a vivid nightmare about King Dick chasing him around the America Ninja Warrior obstacle course and shooting laser beams out of his eyes. When sleeping it had been terrifying but now he felt better. A little sore. A lot more horizontal.

He sat up and made a less than manly noise at all the wires and suction cups stuck to his chest. He nearly rolled out of bed and landed on his face in an attempt to view his surroundings. Clean white walls, a curtain, little beeping monitors doing their jobs. Good job little guys.

Sitting up caused his brain to immediately try and kill him and he laid back down with a groan.

“Oh you’re awake,” Remy cracked an eye at a blurry image which became a girl in nurse scrubs. She leaned over him and shined a flashlight in his eye. He groaned and rolled onto his face again, and the sound of scribbling on a clipboard could be heard.

“You’re only mildly concussed, we checked your blood for tranquilizers and couldn’t find any,”

“My blod.... you stole it?” He mumbled, tossing again onto his back.

“You seemed important since you came in with my heavily drugged boss, a seven foot tall lightning woman and the resting heart rate of a jackrabbit,” she observed.

“Boss,” he observed slowly, trying desperately to connect the dots in his head. Unfortunately the dots were marbles all rolling away from him hey no come back here and oh god his head. His nurse didn’t look up from her clipboard.

“Ms. Jones isn’t awake yet but we set her up with a sugar drip,” she fiddled with the IV bag hanging next to his bed.

“Nadiya’s okay?” He asked, sitting up, slower this time. The nurse was messing with some of the equipment next to his bed.

“Yeah, you’re lucky you two got here in time, you definitely would’ve died if we hadn’t hooked you up with fluids,” Remy wanted to giggle at “hooked up” and “fluids” used in the same sentence but was overwhelmed by a flashback.

He was in the backseat of an Uber Nadiya had used to do her “personal tasks”, Kardala was next to him, Nadiya was stretched across both their laps.

“Just take us to the place you took her,” he begged, head throbbing. Kardala nodded.

“Yes, our demon has had too much alcohol, and that is why she is asleep, not any weird dangerous reason,” she gave an exaggerated wink at Remy and he gave a strained smile.

Kardala grinned back and whispered too loudly, “This is an excellent trick because he also doesn’t know the bag we put in the back is—“

“A GYM BAG,” Remy attempted to drown her out, “ A NORMAL GYM BAG NOTHIN ELSE BUT SOME BALLS AND WEIGHTS GOSH I LOVE EXERCISE,”

He was gonna have to rate that guy five stars later.

With the realization about what was in the bag he scrambled to prop himself all the way up.

“WAIT— MAN— GUY—“ the nurse shoved him back down gently.

“That man you brought in is being restrained, your friend told us he was very dangerous,” she promised, then turned to leave.

“Friend?” Remy questioned, and the curtains around his bed were pulled back with gusto.

“THE LITTLE MAN AWAKENS,” Kardala boomed, and the nurse almost dropped her clipboard.

She leaned over and clapped (Ha thunder god joke) Remy on the shoulder and he tried not to whimper.

“Kardala is glad you are not dead,” she patted his head, not unlike a dog. “These demonlings—“

“There’s no such thing as demon—“

“Silence demon,” Kardala ordered the nurse, “they have been providing me with boxed fruit juice, and I enjoy it very much,” she declared and took a sip from the Juicy Juice pouch she was holding, which looked ridiculously small in her huge hands.

The nurse eyed her like an unstable tiger.

“She’s filled us in on.. some of the situation,” she said distastefully and Kardala began to count things on her fingers.

“Yes, first we escaped from the Not King of America, then Kardala laid low the fearsome Buck-ee, I was confined to the prison of Irene which was the fault of the little man,” 

Remy opened his mouth to protest but Kardala barreled on, “Then we did glorious battle in the gym of Rembrandt, in which Kardala was the only one left standing, and our demon lies in slumber still,” she finished then took a long sip of apple juice.

Both Remy and the nurse were silent for a bit, until Remy clapped his hands together. “So yeah that’s all mostly, kind of true, but where’s Nadiya where’s the gun— man, and uhhh where I am I?” The nurse sighed, leaned down, and ripped a suction cup off his chest with a little more force than necessary.

“Ms. Jones is down the hall, the man you brought in- as I told you before- is restrained in a locked room, still unconscious,” once she finished divesting him of wires he covered himself up a little self consciously. “And you are at Jones Institutes sir,” she gestured out the door.

“Also I’m an intern and did save your life so you better convince Ms. Jones to give me a lot of extra credit.”

***

They had apparently hooked up Nadiya with the good stuff.

“Oh look it’s the super dinguses,” she observed when Kardala, Remy, and the nurse Remy learned was Melody walked in. Nadiya had her own room, several gift baskets filled with random fruit were littered by her bedside.

“Behold,” Kardala pointed out. “Offerings to the demon, from her underlings,” Nadiya sat up in bed wobbily, and stuck a finger at Kardala.

“You... are are not wrong,” she flopped back down and reached a hand over to one of the important looking monitors. “See this.... this ssssshit? I made this,” she flicked buttons randomly and shoved it a little farther away. There was a pause. “I’m a goddamn genius.”

Remy walked over carefully and waved at Nadiya. “Heyyy what the fuck is wrong with her she was like a super smart person two minutes ago,” he whispered as she gave him a lazy middle finger.

Melody sighed and scratched something down on the clipboard.

“The toxin that drugged her acts as a short term pain inhibitor—“ she caught the blank looks she was receiving, and sighed. “She’s on feel good happy time medication,” she said slower and Kardala and Remy nodded in understanding. Kardala was beaming at Nadiya, who looked positively venomous.

"I too would like to partake in this happy juice, it seems a worthy gift to the god who carried your demon overlord here,"

Melody began texting on her phone. "I will get you a smoothie,"

"Could you also get some cheeseburgers maybe? Like I'm super duper hungees after that giant nap," Remy requested, having a seat on Nadiya's bed.

"It wasn't a nap it was a concussion Rembrandt," the scientist muttered. She seemed more or less coming out of her loopy state. She gave him a weak kick. "Now off my bed, this is my space no stinky failure jump boys allowed,"

Kardala leaned on the other side of the bed delightedly. "Surely there are gods allowed,"

"Oh go write me a pink slip Miss HR,"

Melody took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I cannot believe you saved America."


	8. Smooth Criminal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo sorry for the late update I was working on a one shot you can read on my page! It's for TAZ balance and has that good good angst. Stuff is gonna get moving sometime in this story I swear I just love writing dialogue for these nerds.

They had waited for Nadiya to completely recover (And Remy to take a video of her saying nonsense) before they went to confront... gun... man.

"You know we need to come up with another name for that guy," Remy reasoned, trying to match stride with Nadiya. Once she was up she was all about business, marching through the sterile halls like she owned the place. Which she did.

"Name?" She asked, swiping her ID tag to let the three of them through another door. Kardala was sipping a juice box and abstaining from conversation.

"Yeah I've been calling him gun man in my head the whole time, maybe we should find out if he goes by like, a handle?" Nadiya was massaging her temples. A group of lab techs shrunk in awe as they passed by and Remy gave them a set of finger guns.

"We're not calling him by a 'handle' we are calling him a hostile threat who somehow found out where we were, then shot me with a dart while you wanted to play superhero," she snapped. She was punching in numbers on a keypad to unlock a door. Remy flinched at her words.

"You're still mad about that?"

"It happened a few hours ago," she pointed out scathingly. Kardala tapped her juice box against her chin.

"While it is true Little Man abandoned you in battle--"

"Hey now this feels like a beat up on Remy party in here,"

"Kardala did not, even though you are a demon, and unwilling to share your bedside offerings, so you are welcome,"

The door opened with a mechanical hiss and Nadiya turned to face Kardala.

"You dropped me on the floor after being shot, how is that not leaving me? Also I let you have everything in those gift baskets but the dark chocolate," Kardarla pondered this while Remy raised a hand.

"I didn't leave you after we got the guy though I held your dying body--"

"I wasn't dying," she objected flatly.

"Well I know that now but at the time it was scary," he mumbled, not meeting her eyes. Nadiya was unmoved.

"The idea of you without me to guide you is scary, you're right. Now just let me do the talking in here," she ordered, and opened the door to reveal none other than mister gun man.

The stranger was lying down in a bed, monitors beeping faithfully. This room was darker than the others, a solitary bulb illuminating the.... cell? The injuries on the stranger were more obvious now and Remy almost felt bad. Almost. His neck was in a brace, one of his legs was elevated in a cast, and both arms were restrained to the bed by built in cuffs. Why those were there Remy didn't want to know.

"HELLO SHIT STICK," Kardala greeted, immediately ignoring Nadiya's request. "We arrive with questions."

"Uhhh I have a question for Nadiya," Remy lowered his voice, turning to the scientist who seemed completely unsurprised by how this was going. "Why do you have some kind of locked up Hannibal Lector crime lab? What the fuck dude?

Nadiya met his gaze and without skipping a beat said, "To lock up nasty jump boys who question me." Remy looked terrified enough for her liking and so she turned her attention to the man on the bed.

"You tried to kill us, we would like to know why," she stated and the man glared up at her silently. Kardala squinted at the man, leaning over him and getting deep into his personal space.

"He refuses to speak, no doubt in fear of me," she observed. Remy gave an over exaggerated wink at Nadiya and strolled over to the bed.

"Hey guy, buddy, pal, I'm uhh I'm all in favor of letting you go once you tell us a little something something, but Kardala here," he patted the woman on the shoulder and Kardala stared down at his hand in confusion. "She's all in favor of going lightning goddess on your butt man, you better tell her what she wants to know,"

Nadiya had picked up by now and wandered over, hands clasped and face expressionless. "Yes. Please. Do not hurt him Kardarla. It would make me very...."

She looked at Remy for confirmation and he made a continue gesture, "Sad?"

Remy gave her a thumbs up.

"Yes very sad. Don't kill him or something." Remy was wincing through the thumbs up just a bit. The stranger seemed thoroughly unimpressed.

"You know," he began and they all looked down. "I was told I was going to be hunting down three dangerous mutants, but all I see are a couple of dipshits," he hissed, and Remy very quickly got between Kardala and the man.

"You dare insult a GOD," She roared, as Remy gently matched her steps in trying to get face to face with him. "You shall regret your words, Shitstick who wields guns, I PROMISE," Remy had changed his tactic from blocking her front to pulling on the collar of her shirt to hold her back.

"Nadiya a little HELP," he shouted, slowly being dragged forward. Nadiya hadn't moved throughout the entire ordeal, but was watching the mercenary with cold eyes.

"Kardala I have a better plan than punching his lights out," she said and Kardala didn't pause in her attempted attack.

"Demon, this insult demands revenge," she reasoned and turned around to attempt to yank Remy off her but he was just a bit too fast.

"Yes, yes you're right for once," she assented and that made Remy and Kardala both pause.

"She is?"

"For once?"

Nadiya leaned down to get a better look at the man. He seemed a bit more on edge now.

"He insulted and shot me, so you know it's only fair I keep him in here and test out alllll that skin my interns have been cooking up on him," she leaned back and tapped her chin in false thought. "Yes you'd be quite a looker, you know assuming it's a stable batch,"

The man had gone a bit paler. Remy and Kardala were still paused in their game of chase, Remy now arms around her neck, hanging off her like a human cape.

"Nadiya what the fuck that's like some Human Centipede shit," he commented and Kardala raised a fist, grinning.

"This demon's ruthlessness is EXCELLENT, DEMONLINGS, bring on the skin and let us bury the nonbeliever alive," she shouted towards the door, and Remy struggled to keep his grip.

"Am I the ONLY person here with morals and shit?" He muttered. But the man attempted to raise his hand, the restraints keeping his arm down.

"N-now there's no need to do all that-- ah um," Three sets of eyes turned to him.

"What do you need to know?" he asked and Remy wasted no time pointing at him and asking.

"What's your name and do you have some sort of cool handle?"

Nadiya rubbed her face. "God I miss morphine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who comment and kudo ❤️


	9. Shout at the Devil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry for the wait, since I started my other multi chapter I've been trying to juggle. I know I'm not the only person who says 'Ooh cows' when we pass cows in the car.

"I was hired by a company, to sedate you and take you back to them," The man they now knew was named Mark admitted.

"Jesus--" Remy began before Nadiya interrupted him.

"He's a mercenary Remy don't be surprised," she made a carry on gesture. Mark huffed, clearly not happy.

"That's it. I don't know how they knew your location, just told me to go to Rembrandt Brother's gym, make it a big scene so you knew, kidnap Mike Rembrandt-"

"Hey now--" Nadiya gave Remy the 'What did I just say?' look and he shut up. But he continued to watch Mark with angry eyes, silently fuming.

"But then you showed up yourselves so I had to move ahead of schedule," Mark continued, obviously bitter about the last little detail.

"So you're not government?" Remy asked. Kardala wasn't weighing in because they had given her a bag of jerky to distract her from her previous mission to kill the guy.

"No, otherwise you'd have the army after your asses," he paused and tilted his head. "Funny, the news didn't mention three super powered freaks," Nadiya shrugged.

"Figures they told no one, it would be a P.R nightmare. The only thing that matters then is who hired you to come after us," She gave a sideways look at Remy. "Publicly all Remy is known as is head of the I.T department and the Olympic Ninja, so anyone could've told you to go to the gym," she didn't seem to realize the way the words hit Remy like a gut punch.

"However no one should know he has superpowers other than the Do Good Goons, so how did your bosses know?"

Mark gave a helpless shrug. "Look if I tell you they're gonna hunt me down, I'll be out of the job and dead,"

Kardala looked up from the empty jerky bag. "One of those things is more important to humans yes?" She looked at Remy for a response but he was still staring at the ground.

"I will pay for one ticket for you to flee the country if you tell us where they are," Nadiya brought out her checkbook and a pen.

"Sure but you can't splurge for one Mountain Dew at the gas station," Remy grumbled.

Nadiya didn't look up from writing her check, "That stuff is disgusting and good athletes shouldn't drink it," Mark decided to pipe up from his bed.

"I like Mountain Dew,"

Nadiya waved the check under his nose. "Please just tell us things and leave our country,"

***

By the time Mark was on a first class trip to Brazil, they had (Legally!) gotten a company car and were on their merry way to the location where Mark was supposed to have dropped off Remy's brother.

"Once again," Kardala began, "In case you did not hear me--"

"We heard you," Nadiya and Remy said in unison.

"But I feel like I would be excellent at driving and you should allow me--"

"Kardala," Remy looked more exasperated than usual, like his seemingly endless supply of patience and goofs had diminished. "Nadiya's gonna drive, I'm gonna D.J--"

"No you're not--"

"And you're gonna point out cows and we're all gonna be a _happy fucking little road trip family_ , got it?"

The car was quiet for a while.

"Little man is there something.... wrong?" Remy was staring out the window, hunched over and frowning. He didn't wear angry well.

"You know I'm just- I try to be a good boy, a good brother and then I whoopsie it up and bam, his gym is sunk, and then bam, we're not making enough money because the gym is sunk, then bam his marriage is sunk because the gym is sunk because I messed it up and NOW HE ALMOST GETS SHOT--"

The car came to a screeching halt as Nadiya pulled over abruptly. Luckily the wide empty street leading out of the city didn't have that many cars. Nadiya turned over and got really close to Remy's face.

"Remy, you need to get your shit together, we can't have you having a breakdown right before we go into a fight--"

"WELL HERE I AM ANYWAY," Remy threw his hands in the air and Nadiya seemed surprised. "HAVING ONE HUMUNGO BREAKDOWN WITH A SIDE OF FRIES,"

Nadiya batted his hands away, seemingly only annoyed by the theatrics. "You need to calm your thoughts, focus, stop screaming and--"

"I DON'T GOTTA DO THIS, I COULD GO HOME AND BE AN I.T SPECIALIST, I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THIS--"

"We," Nadiya set her jaw, "can help people--"

"WE HAVE HELPED EXACTLY ZERO PEOPLE, ZILCH ZIP NADA," Remy was kicking the bottom of the car. "WE STOLE SOME CARS, PISSED OFF THE GOVERNMENT, AND WRECKED MY BROTHER'S SHIT WE AREN'T HEROES WE AREN'T EVEN FRIENDS--"

The clap of thunder shook the car and seemingly every bone in their bodies. They turned slowly, to see Kardala, thunderous and brooding.

"Little man, you help Kardala. You help your brother. You help the demon," She listed these things off her fingers. "We will help people when the people who want to go make other people dead, are defeated." While Remy tried to process that last sentence Kardala turned to Nadiya.

"Demon, I have high respect for you as a warrior, but our little man is not your thrall. Do not instruct him as such."

The car was quiet for a minute and another clap of thunder rattled it.

"JEsus okay Nadiya I'm sorry for freaking out," Remy stuck out his hand. Nadiya eyed it carefully and breathed out slowly.

"I'm sorry for... ordering you around.... Remy," They shook hands and just like that, Remy was beaming again.

"I think that's the first time you've ever called me by my nickname," He commented as the car started up again. Nadiya almost looked like she was smiling.

"Don't get used to it Jump Boy,"

Kardala was tapping her hands across the window of the car, "With haste demon, the battle awaits!" She stared out her window suspiciously. "And so do my cow spotting duties."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated ❤️


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